Trigger Warning: This open letter will include mentions of suicide, self-harm, and mental health illnesses, including depression and anxiety. This post may be triggering to some. Please continue at your discretion.
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Dear Person With Suicidal Tendencies,
If you’re struggling with fighting suicidal tendencies or thoughts, then you might feel alone right now as you’re reading this. If you’re anything like how I was, you might even be shutting people out of your life.
I know everything may seem confusing, and you might not even understand why you’re feeling like this. At times, you may even feel like a lost cause or hopeless. But, I want to tell you that you might be wrong. You’re not useless. You’re not a lost cause.
There’s probably a part of you that feels angry at the illness, the suicidal thoughts, and even yourself. Those same thoughts ran through my head every time I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t see what my boyfriend, family, and friends saw. I thought everyone was playing a cruel joke or that there was a hidden camera waiting for me to fuck up.
Nobody will ever understand how you got to this moment or the events leading up to today. But for whatever reason, right now, you are struggling with these suicidal thoughts and need help. I know. The thought of living every day and dealing with the same bullcrap is challenging to fathom. The idea of waking up tomorrow and going through it all again seems unbearable. It’s easier to have suicidal tendencies and think of different ways for you to leave the Earth.
But, you must know that you’re never alone. Somewhere in this cruel and brutal world, there is someone who feels exactly like you and how I used to. As if there is no escape and that suicide is the only way out. But we’re both still here. We’re still alive, we’re still fighting, and we’re still trying to make things better. A lot of people didn’t have the strength to keep going, but you do. I’m proud of you.
When suicidal thoughts enter my head, they bring immense feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, and pain. You might look at other people who are struggling in the world and think, “why am I feeling like this? I have nothing to be depressed about.” That’s what having suicidal thoughts felt like for me.
I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. But I knew what caused it. The idea of having a birth father who wants me to off myself, feeling like a disappointment to the family for barely scarping through my college courses, and working to make ends need barely; made me feel like death was better than living. But, if I can shake off those thoughts, then so can you.
Stop comparing yourself with how you think other people are. You never know what people feel or are going through in private. It’s NOT your fault that you are feeling this way. This whole situation is NOT your fault. You are feeling down, that’s all, and with the right support system, you will feel better again, I promise.
Even when you start to heal, there will be days when those suicidal tendencies or thoughts come back like a dark shadow. Thinking about doing it is much different than actually acting on it. Always remember that. There’s nothing you can do about these thoughts except acknowledge them and let them go. In time, these thoughts will disappear, and it will be easier to manage suicidal thoughts.
Just focus on the present. Focus on surviving today and then worry about tomorrow. Breathe.
As someone who had and still struggles with Depression, I know how physically and emotionally drained you must feel. Having these thoughts, fighting against them, and the depressive urges are the most vital thing anybody can do. You should be so damn proud that you are here and doing this. You have so much more strength than you realize, and you demonstrate that every day by living.
It is time to heal. Seek help. Talk to someone, please. Stop trying to deal with this alone. You have dealt with the pain for long enough, and now it’s time to let someone help you and share the pain. The support is there, but you have to let people know that you need it. My experience with Depression and Anxiety has shown me that sharing the pain with someone feels much better than dealing with it alone.
Would you please talk to someone? You deserve to feel happy. You deserve to be satisfied. You deserve better. You deserve to take a break. You deserve to experience the world with an open heart, and one day you will. So take that first step towards finding happiness and healing and get support from somewhere.