Thank you, Julio, author of Lifter, for writing this exciting piece on when to give yourself to someone.
Sharing is caring, but there’s only so much that one can share and so much caring to be given. So many of us find ourselves exhausted, both physically and especially emotionally, after the efforts we make towards others that seem to demand all of us and more. Others, and other times, tend to care so much for others that we burn ourselves out for them, many times, without retribution. That’s why it’s essential to learn when to give yourself to someone.
It’s a hard lesson to learn, not give too much of ourselves, and stop being too caring. It’s hard because we have never been told to measure how much is enough to offer, and this is what this post is all about.
In our relationships, be it love, family relationships, or even sexual relationships, we act on emotions and let ourselves be guided by them. But the question is: should we? And if we should, is it a permanent requirement?
Well, we should share emotions and feel them be humane towards people, but being a little rational does help, so here are some tips that will help you know when to give, to whom to give it, and how much is enough and when? So that is why I’m going to discuss 5 ways to learn when to give yourself to someone.
How To Know When To Give Yourself To Someone
Put Yourself First
You must always put yourself first! No matter how much people tell you not to. It would help if you always put yourself, your needs, and your mental health first. Is it selfish? Many people think that putting themselves first is selfish and narcissistic. But is it true?
All humans and animals use groups to socialize and protect. We do it because each individual wants itself to survive. If you have an apple and are hungry, will you look for someone hungry to give it to them? Of course not. You will eat it yourself because you want to survive and take care of yourself.
But, if you don’t take care of yourself first, how will you have the strength to help others? Can you take care of others when you are not well? And if you do, wouldn’t that be unfair to yourself and hypocritical? You cannot give something that you do not have. So, you have to think of yourself first! You must take care of yourself and not the role of others, and that works the other way around as well.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t take care of others and look at our bellies. No. I’m saying to help yourself first and then share the experience with others and others so THEY can take care of THEMSELVES. And that’s the only way that we can take care of each other. When people say to call you selfish when you take care of yourself, you and I are the narcissists that emotionally guilt-trip you so they can have your attention for themselves.
Remember: In the end, you are the only person you got.
Don’t Fight Other People’s Battles.
This is for those that call themselves “empaths” and think that they can heal the world. Stop. It’s terrible for you. You will struggle the most in learning when to give yourself to someone.
As I said before: We have to take care of ourselves to take care of others. This means that each one’s responsibility is to take care of themselves, and NOBODY has to take care of us. So we shouldn’t expect, ask or demand others to take care of us. It’s not their responsibility.
Now, for those who like to “feel” the pain of others, I ask you: is it worth it? Is it necessary? Does it help them, or you, in ANY way? No. It doesn’t.
To be emphatic or even to comprehend the pain of another or even “sympathize” with their pain DOESN’T mean that you have to feel* it, and it’s 100x better to listen to one’s pain than pretend that you understand or care about it to be “politically correct.” If we care for other people, we should let them fight and win their battles. This is a hard lesson to learn, and here’s why we should do it: They start to believe in their power instead of relying on other people.
By sitting on the sidelines, we spare ourselves from lifting their weight for them. Let me tell you something: Most people don’t want to solve their problems. They want attention and someone to carry them through life.
So, my advice is: DON’T TAKE THE FIELD! Instead, keep yourself as a voluntary guide voluntary. That way, you can keep your independence, reserve your strengths, and not compromise. NEVER compromise yourself to other people’s fights. Never take charge of their struggles because they will take advantage of you forever.
Before you start a relationship, set your limits. Ask yourself the following questions:
- How far you are willing to go?
- How much you are willing to give and lose?
- How much effort do you want to make and, most importantly: lines that you won’t cross.
This will help you keep yourself in check. Then set the same kind of limits to the people in your life. Set boundaries for EVERY type of relationship and everyone in your life, no matter who they are. Inform them of their limits and never budge or bend them. If anyone crosses, take punitive measures. This will ensure respect and control, especially in learning when to give yourself to someone.
Sometimes, people will act until they get what they want, so, as you get to know people, PAY attention to them, not what you want from them, and take mental notes of everything you can, especially what they say. Please put it on a pad and then test them on that. If the tests hold, give them some credit. If not, beware of them.
Here are some ways you can test people:
- Give a little, and watch what happens. If you want to test someone’s ability to hold secrets, give them a “secret” and watch if it leaks.
- Give a little and wait. Mind that you shouldn’t expect people to give it back at you, but if they don’t, it’s a good sign to getaway.
- Ask them the same question in a VERY different way.
- Talk about their experiences and memories on the topic you want to test.
- Analyze their answers. Watch their eyes as they speak. If they move to your right, they are lying.
- Ask people that know him. BUT never the closest friends because the closest friends tend to be similar to the person.
- Hang around their closest friends and feel their vibe. You will get A LOT of who they are. Birds of a feather…..
- Simulate. Put them into the conditions they were told they were and confirm what they do.
- NEVER ignore repeated behavior and watch excuses-making.
- Observe. Just stay quiet and observe. It’s compelling and disarming.
- Look for consistency between behavior and wording, and if they don’t match, get away from them as fast as you can. Especially if they try to explain the incongruence.
Why am I telling you this?
Because one of the most significant motives of mental illness is people being betrayed or taken advantage of somehow, so, if you do this, you will prevent many of these tricks.
After testing, take your conclusions and measure if they are worth it to be around and if they deserve to keep receiving from you. Then, analyze and access the type of relationship and its development, always looking for consistency and retribution.
Remember: Never give what you cannot afford to lose, and that means the entirety of yourself.
The Bottom Line
It would be best if you never gave yourself to someone because they want you to. It’s essential to know your self-worth and to learn why you want to help this person. While there are good people in this world, not all people can be trusted. This is why it is vital to learn when to give yourself to someone. Your time is your wealth, and you should invest it wisely into people who will appreciate your efforts and care for your well-being.
What do you think of my thoughts? When do you know when you’re giving too much of yourself? Let me know in the comments.