Why I Hid My Anxiety From Everyone For Years

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning that I will earn a small commission if you click through and make a purchase at no additional cost. All opinions remain my own. For more information, please refer to my disclosure policy. Finally, I want to thank the blogger behind Mommy Conquering Anxiety for sharing this personal story on anxiety and her experience dealing with it.

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In this guest post, the author shares their personal experience with anxiety and why they chose to hide it for so long, hoping to help others going through the same thing.

Note: I am not a mental health professional. The information presented in this article should not be used for self-diagnosis or to replace a medical diagnosis from a mental health professional or your primary care physician. The following information is for educational purposes only.

The stigma surrounding mental illness in the UK is still prevalent. 

If someone had a broken leg, you wouldn’t ask them to prove the level of pain they were in or justify they were telling the truth. But, arguably, when your mind malfunctions, everything is affected. So, indeed, it’s the one thing we need to look after, and we should listen to anyone who says they are suffering mentally. 

Unfortunately, from what I see on social media and my experience over the last four months, there is still work to be done in this area. Mentally ill people shouldn’t face judgment while battling some pretty dark times. But it seems even the people who should be helping us are sometimes judging us. So, where do we go from here?

I hope we can collectively make a difference. Then, in time, people with mental illness will feel supported and openly talk about their struggles without fear or judgment.  

My Anxiety Condition Over The Last 15 Years

I’ve suffered from anxiety issues for at least 15 years. Looking back, it’s like my brain ignored it was even happening. The only way I could function was to put on a mask daily and work through it. I was sticking a plaster on the wound and using medication to get through the day. 

I now know this isn’t the only way to deal with a mental health problem following my breakdown. There are other, more productive ways to acknowledge what’s happening.  

I hid the full extent of my panic attacks, depression, and daily anxiety from family, friends, and even boyfriends. Everyone just thought I was a fierce and unstable young woman and that I had some growing up to do. Even I put it down to being headstrong, career-driven, and motivated. At this point, I think that’s who I still am, but this was a front to hide the pain and the constant battle inside my head. 

Until now, I didn’t realize there is a fine line between being superwoman 24/07 and this quickly leading to unhealthy habits, which cause abnormal anxiety levels. Constantly putting on a brave face is exhausting and will eat away at you over a prolonged period. This is because you are essentially telling yourself and everyone around you lies. 

Normal Anxiety Levels VS. Out Of Control Anxiety 

Inevitably, we will all experience some level of anxiety. However, this life-saving mechanism exists for a reason—a primal instinct designed to protect us. Unfortunately, when you live with out-of-control anxiety issues for 15 years, that’s a whole different ball game. One I don’t want to play anymore.

The Signs I Ignored

When I failed miserably at university interviews, I blamed my anxiety. I was a shy person, I told myself. This was not the opportunity for me. Looking back, maybe it was; perhaps it wasn’t. I will never know whether my anxiety stopped me from taking chances, but it doesn’t matter now.  

My driving instructor advised me to get beta-blockers from the doctor because I was “making silly mistakes and panicking” during my driving test. As soon as I took the beta blockers, I passed the third time. A considerable confidence knock, not to mention the money wasted.

This was a pattern I saw throughout my period of denial. 

When I was younger, I was labeled the party animal of the group. I would drink alcohol and take recreational drugs to fit in, reduce the panic, blur the background noise, or the impact of being around too many people would have on me. 

I loved going out with friends, but doing it zapped my energy, and I became frustrated. 

Recent Years 

Fast-forward to the height of my career, and the physical manifestations were unbearable. I would fall apart in meetings. I knew I could speak and was learning to do so, but I would overthink so much that sometimes I couldn’t string a sentence together.  

The physical manifestations were sweating, mumbling, and a rash that would rise to my chest, which was visible to everyone in the room. Finally, I would leave the meeting feeling ashamed and inadequate and sit in the toilet for 20 minutes, trying to calm myself down. 

I googled techniques to bring myself back, including running cold water on my wrists to eradicate the rash. The whole time I was locked in the toilet, I was worried about what other people thought or if anyone would think I’d been gone for too long. I am surprised I even managed to calm myself down. I felt like running out of the door and all the way home. 

I would walk back to my desk, thinking everyone was staring at me. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and worn out. I needed a lie-down, not another five hours at work, wondering what everyone thought about me.

When my anxiety was terrible, this would happen at least three times a week. It became the norm for me. I asked the doctor for beta-blockers to help, but the issue then became a lack of communication from management about when the meeting would occur. Then the anxious voice in my head started asking when the right time to take the tablet was, now, later, and the worry about lack of routine or direction in the workplace set in. I was out of control but pretending to be in control. 

Some people reading this might ask why I didn’t leave the meeting room or tell someone I was suffering. My anxiety told me I was a failure, a quitter; I had a point to prove, and leaving the room would mean telling people the truth. If I did that, they would know I couldn’t do my job, there was something wrong with me, and they would find out. 

I know it sounds crazy, but I was in the habit of thinking like this to survive in the workplace. The worst thing in the world would have been to tell a management team I felt didn’t support me. 

What Other People Thought Of My Erratic Behavior 

Work colleagues 

I tried not to care too much about what people at work thought. I did the job and came home. The daily struggle I dealt with in my head was exhausting enough. I functioned well at work despite always suffering from my anxiety.

Family & friends

When it came to my family and friends, I think they knew I suffered from overthinking. They thought I was sensitive, maybe introverted, and they probably thought these personality traits caused my erratic behavior. 

When I had a panic attack on a plane journey home from Lanzarote, my mum and dad sat behind me. I think they were shocked. I was shocked. It creeps upon you, and you feel like you’re dying and will never catch your breath again. Not only do you feel like this, but it’s happening in an enclosed space, in front of hundreds of judgemental strangers. 

I recently shared the full extent of the impact I’ve suffered over the years and my mum, who I’m very close to, and see 2-3 times a week. She responded that she didn’t know the extent of the problem. She wouldn’t guess I’d felt like this from how I had behaved. 

In this respect, it’s easy to see why nobody at work thought to ask how I was. 

The Rationale Behind Hiding My Anxiety

While my symptoms would have probably eased by letting people in, I also wouldn’t let the anxiety win, admit defeat, or let it impact my job. Because I am strong-minded, a massive part of me wanted to get on with my job and not give in to this negative voice. 

What I’ve Learned During My Recovery 

I have mixed emotions about whether this is a good strategy or not. I don’t regret the path I’ve taken up to now, but at the same time, I see a better, more honest way of living moving forward. No more masks. It’s too exhausting. What do I have to lose by being honest with those around me? This is my life. It’s the truth to say I struggle. Why hide it?

You can only wear the mask for so long, anyway. Everyone has a breaking point, and I genuinely think everyone reaches a point where honesty prevails, whatever it is in life you’re hiding from. 

I now ask myself if hiding it for years contributed to my recent breakdown. I wonder what factors caused this to happen to me. But questioning past decisions feeds into unhealthy anxiety levels and gets you nowhere. So, I refuse to entertain the negative thoughts in my head or dwell on things outside my control. 

It doesn’t matter what brought me to this point. What matters the most now are the tools I put in place to prevent this from happening again. 

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus

Who Am I Now 

This is a question I haven’t yet fully answered. I am only just starting to ask myself it after four months of being unable to function correctly. However, I know I will never be the person I was before this breakdown, which is good. So, I am hoping I will be a more honest, open, and happy person. 

I wonder whether my personality traits are genuine or if some were a defense mechanism. Don’t get me wrong, I AM strong-minded (god knows where I would be without that trait!), but where does my personality stop, and my defensiveness take over? This is what I need to figure out. 

How many people have I pushed away over the years, and how many would I have outgrown anyway? Unfortunately, Unfortunately, I will never know the answer to this. Luckily, I didn’t find my Mr. Right or my happy ever after (sarcasm – I don’t think there is such a thing. There is such a thing as two people working hard to stay together) until I was in my 30s. After that, I needed time to figure out who I was, and I’m still doing that now. 

We are all a work in progress; that is how it should be. We need to learn to be kinder to ourselves and less critical. 

How This Journey Helped Me 

Being honest about my mental health struggles has set me free – a weight lifted, and I feel better knowing my friends and family can now understand where I’m coming from, a bit more than they did before.

They may never understand what it physically feels like to have a panic attack. Still, if I’m angry or short with them, they might realize much more is happening in my head, and sometimes I can’t communicate effectively. And that’s just who I am.

Hopefully, they will understand I may have to cancel plans at the last minute to preserve my energy and protect my mental health. It’s now time to put the tools in place to avoid this in the future. And if it does happen again, I know I can survive and what action to take to get through a down period. 

I never want to feel like I do right now, ever again. So, I aim to look after my mental health daily, whether I feel well or not. 

Final Thoughts 

If you are suffering and feel able to, please be honest with your family and friends about your feelings. I understand it isn’t easy, but opening up to the right people has helped me.