The 3 Self-Esteem Roles People Play

Many people tend to lean towards certain self-esteem roles. Learn about these roles and the truth about self-esteem in this post.

Many people try to get high self-esteem, thinking they have to do something to earn it. I know we’ve all seen that advice on self-help blogs to get high self-esteem by: 

• Looking in the mirror and repeatedly saying that you’re special 
• Think about everything you’ve accomplished 
• Help someone else to feel better about yourself 

And we know there are many more pieces of advice like this. You believe that you must do something to get high self-esteem, and it comes from the belief that we’re not good enough as we are. Somehow there’s something wrong with us, bad about us, and imperfect.

To combat that, we tell ourselves that we’re special, that we’re a good person, or that we’re worth something because we did a “good” job. But, unfortunately, anything we tell ourselves will never help us fully feel our self-esteem because it’s always coming from a place of not enough.

The Truth About Self-Esteem

What about when we tell ourselves the truth? Not that we’re “perfect,” not that “I’m good because I help other people,” and not that “I’m worth it because I do more than the next person.” The truth is that we are just us, and we all have something to provide. 

Like in the animal kingdom, no animal needs to be “perfect” or “earn” their worth. A bear is a bear, a tiger is a tiger, a dog is a dog, and you are you. So take a second to feel the pressure taken off when you’re just you without trying to “be” someone or something. 

“According to The 6 Human Needs, Significance is the need to feel special, needed, and wanted. Love & connection is connecting with yourself, other people, nature, the world, and so forth. We think if we’re significant (particular, needed, wanted), then people can’t help but give us love & connection. We translate that love & relationship as feeling worthy. We then permit ourselves to feel a bit of self-esteem. 

You will see from your life experience that living your life with that belief model guarantees that you never truly feel the love & connection and do not feel the self-esteem that’s already inside you.

Self-Esteem Roles

I’ll show you the three roles we play to try to be significant. I’ll also show you how to let the need for that go so you can get back to who you are and feel the self-esteem that’s naturally inside you. 

What are the three self-esteem roles we play to try to be significant?

The Helper

Helpers love, well, helping. It’s in their nature to give. So, on the healthy side (their natural side), they light up by giving compliments and gifts to people, organizing committees, making the world a better place, and so forth. 

We love helpers, and they love us. The pain comes when people use this trait to feel significant. They do this by putting everybody first and themselves last. We all know someone like this.  

They mistakenly think, “If I put everybody first and myself last, people can’t help but love me.” It’s a trade that is not genuine, doesn’t feel good, and doesn’t even get them the love & connection that they want. They don’t allow themselves to feel their self-esteem, so they don’t feel any better about themselves either. 

The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with you, so you don’t have to give to get. Instead, being you allows you to feel the self-esteem that’s naturally inside you. And you get to give MORE because you feel so filled up inside. And how good does that feel?

The Achiever

“You got an A? Good job, Johnny!” “Melissa’s persistent with what she wants. She’s going to be somebody special someday.” We’ve all heard this. “List what you’re good at to increase your self-esteem.” Does it work?  

You might feel significant at the moment, but it’s always missing that lasting and natural feeling of self-esteem. You never truly feel good enough. And if we’re honest with ourselves, going after the next thing and the next thing never really fills that hole.

Your achievements are not a reflection of your worth as a person. You’re just you. You’re not better than anyone, and nobody’s better than you. Goals are great because they help us grow. But, they don’t help us BE better because there’s no better or worse in who we indeed are at the core. 

We can then set and achieve the goal from a place of wholeness. The journey to achieving our goals helps us grow and contribute to the people we care about. As we realize that our worth is not dependent on our achievements, we get to feel self-esteem fully.

The Individualist

The Individualist tries to be significant by being different, unique, and sometimes weird. Unfortunately, these people always choose an “alternative” lifestyle, criticize how shallow other people are, and feel disconnected from the rest of humanity. 

There are sometimes deeper reasons for this or any other trait coming out on the unhealthy side. But we know it’s a way to get the significance, even if it’s from themselves. They believe they need to do this to be worth love & connection and therefore be able to feel their self-esteem. 

When acting naturally, individualists can feel deep emotions that others never let themselves think. As a result, they can put their feelings first instead of constantly pushing them aside, as many people do. 

As they return to who they are, without the need to be so different and unique, they can then feel the love & connection and, therefore, the self-esteem that’s already inside them.

Final Thoughts

Instead of living life thinking we have to be someone we’re not to earn our worth, let us tell ourselves the truth. The truth is that self-esteem is natural, and being ourselves lets us fully feel what’s already inside of us. We don’t need to be The Helper, The Achiever, or The Individualist to try and get love. We can experience love & connection, and self-esteem head-on by being ourselves, and who aligns with us aligns with us.

What do you think?