An Open Letter To Anyone Fighting Suicidal Tendencies Right Now
Dear suicidal thoughts, you may have knocked me down before, but I’m standing up to you now. Here’s why you don’t control me anymore.
Trigger Warning: This open letter mentions suicide, self-harm, and mental health illnesses, including Depression and anxiety. This post may be triggering to some. Please continue at your discretion.
Dear Person With Suicidal Tendencies,
If you’re struggling with fighting suicidal tendencies or thoughts, you might feel alone as you read this. If you’re anything like how I was, you might even be shutting people out of your life.
Everything may seem confusing, and you might not even understand why you feel like this. At times, you may even feel like a lost cause or hopeless. But I want to tell you that you might be wrong. You’re not useless. You’re not a lost cause.
A part of you probably feels angry at the illness, the suicidal thoughts, and even yourself. Those same thoughts ran through my head whenever I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t see what my boyfriend, family, and friends saw. I thought everyone was playing a cruel joke or that there was a hidden camera waiting for me to fuck up.
And when I do think of a plan. I cannot go through with it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough or too weak, but these suicidal feelings have me beat. I’ve tried to off myself about twice, and I am thankful to be alive to write this letter.
Nobody will ever understand how you got to this moment or the events leading up to today. But for whatever reason, you are struggling with these suicidal thoughts and need help. I know. The thought of living every day and dealing with the same bullcrap is challenging to fathom. The idea of waking up tomorrow and going through it all again seems unbearable. It’s easier to have suicidal tendencies and think of different ways to leave the Earth.
But you must know that you’re never alone. Somewhere in this cruel and brutal world, there is someone who feels exactly like you and how I used to. As if there is no escape and that suicide is the only way out. But we’re both still here. We’re still alive, we’re still fighting, and we’re still trying to make things better. So many people didn’t have the strength to keep going, but you do. I’m proud of you.
When suicidal thoughts enter my head, they bring immense guilt, shame, sadness, and pain. You might look at other people struggling and think, “Why am I feeling like this? I have nothing to be depressed about.” That’s what having suicidal thoughts felt like for me.
I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way. But I knew what caused it. The idea of having a birth father who wants me to off myself, feeling like a disappointment to the family for barely scraping through my college courses, and working to make ends meet barely made me feel like death was better than living. But if I can shake off those thoughts, then so can you.
Stop comparing yourself with how you think other people are. You never know what people feel or are going through in private. It’s NOT your fault that you are feeling this way. This whole situation is NOT your fault. You are feeling down, that’s all, and with the right support system, I promise you will feel better again.
Even when you start to heal, there will be days when those suicidal tendencies or thoughts come back like a dark shadow. Thinking about doing it is much different than actually acting on it. Always remember that. You can do nothing about these thoughts except acknowledge them and let them go. In time, these thoughts will disappear, and it will be easier to manage suicidal thoughts.
Please get in touch with your local emergency service if you or a loved one are at risk of harming themselves or others.
Just focus on the present. Focus on surviving today and then worry about tomorrow. Breathe.
As someone who struggled with Depression, I know how physically and emotionally drained you must feel. Having these thoughts, fighting against them, and the depressive urges are the most vital thing anybody can do. You should be so damn proud that you are here and doing this. You have so much more strength than you realize, and you demonstrate that every day by living.
It is time to heal. Seek help. Talk to someone, please. Stop trying to deal with this alone. You have dealt with the pain long enough; now it’s time to let someone help you and share the pain. The support is there, but you must tell people you need it. My experience with Depression and Anxiety has shown me that sharing the pain with someone feels much better than dealing with it alone.
Would you please talk to someone? You deserve to feel happy. You deserve to be satisfied. You deserve better. You deserve to take a break. You deserve to experience the world with an open heart, and one day you will. So take that first step towards finding happiness and healing and get support from somewhere.
I believe you can get through this. I know you will get through this. I think in you. There is always something you can do to prevent yourself or someone you know from committing suicide. So please don’t give up.
Such a poignant and beautiful letter. This is also timely as I believe we’re not only facing the Covid pandemic, but a mental health one as well. These are stressful times that we are living in and we must take the time to address mental health.
Andrea,
I completely agree. The pandemic left many people with mental health illnesses or issues unable to resolve some of their problems. It’s even been a contributor to the rises of cases. It’s always so important to address the issues, especially during a time where many people are in need and have no one to reach out to.
Oh the truth in knowing one is not alone when they walk through the darkest of days…that got me because I sometimes put myself in a solitary space physically and mentally.
Thank you for this letter of hope and also sharing about your journey.
Thank you for reading this letter. I only hope that this letter touches someones heart and helps them to realize that they’re never alone. I too tend to put myself in solitary but I’m slowly learning how not to do that.
That was beautifully written and really touching. The caring and support that is evident in your open letter will touch the hearts of many. Even if it prevents Just one person from trying to hurt themselves, this letter will have served it’s purpose. Thank you for what you do
This comment made me smile. I really just want this letter to help someone.
Thank you for this. There will be folks you reach and help by being so open and honest about such a tough subject. Open letters like these help to alleviate the aloneness that so many feel.
Melissa, I completely agree. There needs to be more conversation about self-harm and mental health overall. I’m happy to generate the conversation through this letter.
Wonderful post and a well-needed reminder. I went through a horrible bout of depression in August so I could have really used this then!
Jenny, I’m so sorry to hear that you experienced such a low recently.You’re strong and beautiful and happy you choose to stick around 🙂
This is a brave and courageous letter to write and even read regardless of current mental health situation I’m sure many can relate with either themselves or a loved one in mind. Thank you for sharing and for the thoughtful trigger warning.
Hey, I hope this letter helps the right person in the future. It was hard writing this letter, but I’m glad I did.
I always find this topic quite subjective. Whether thoughts ever go away, seeking help does help but not all the time. But it’s a good idea to seek help and talk regardless. Great post. Xx
Isa A. Blogger
Isa, you’re right. Seeking help does not always work, but it’s better than letting the thoughts kill you alive.
First of all I want to thank you for writing about such an important and sensitive issue and sharing your experience with us. There was a period of my life that it was much harder for me to live that to die. I actually tried to suicide twice but I am glad to say that help reached me. At the time it felt dissapointing. Letting the suicidal thoughts go away is not easy but life is worth living and after all we all will die one day. Why should we miss the chance to see what happens while living?
Thank you again 💕
Eri,
First off, I want to say how happy I am to hear that you choose to live and believe that life is worth living. You’re sp strong for pushing through each day. Letting suicidal thoughts is so difficult, and sometimes they come back when you least expect it, but it’s how you deal with them that matters the most.
Thanks so much for sharing. As a survivor, this means a lot. Siobhan ♡ | Vegan Babe Life
This is such a beautiful letter. As someone who has been there before, and was in a dark place for many years, I’m sending you so much love. Thank you so much for writing this and having the strength to carry on.
I’m sure this letter will help some people feel seen and understood. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. It’s important people take what resonates with them and leave the rest. Bless you.
Nkem,
Thank you for this. I hope this letter reaches the heart of someone who needs it.
Thank you for sharing this and writing about this. It’s so important to create awareness, I’m sure you will help many people!
Edith,
Thank you so much. I hope I can raise awareness and continue to help someone in need through this letter.
This is such a beautiful and heartfelt letter. For those that are struggling, reading something like this and realizing that we (anyone that has been in this position) are not alone could make a world of difference. If anyone is reading this comment after relating to that letter, know that there are many of us here in your corner. We’ve been in your shoes (or are currently) and we know how difficult it can be. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it yet. You’ve got this!
Britt,
This is such a kind and thoughtful comment. Thank you. You’re correct to say that someone reading this letter probably has or is currently struggling with suicidal thoughts. For those of you seeing this, please remember that you’re never alone and that there is someone, such as myself, who is always willing to lend an open ear.
a very important topic, and your open letter is on point. I lost my cousin to suicide (and we later found out, depression), I still think I could do more even though we were not close
Lyosha,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s challenging to learn when someone you love is dealing with something like this. I want you to know that this is not your fault and that you should not feel bad for not noticing the signs or being there to stop them. You did everything you could as a good cousin.
I want to say thank you for writing this letter. It takes a lot of courage to talk about suicide, and the struggles you and many others in the world have and are facing. It isn’t easy! Right now I don’t think it is getting any easier either, with so many shutdowns and lockdowns forced by Covid either. I’ve often wondered if isolating people is just exacerbating their struggles.
Erica,
Thank you for the kind words. I, too, think about how the pandemic and the lockdowns affect people with mental health illnesses and if it’s exacerbating their current struggles. It’s not easy to talk about suicide, depression, or mental health, in general, and it doesn’t help to shut down the only services available to struggling people.
This is such a nice letter. And thanks for writing this. It is so very important to highlight issues like this with many suffering.
Subhashish,
Thank you for reading this letter. I hope it helps someone who reads it.