Body Positivity + Desirability: A Deep Dive Into “Plus-Size: A Memoir of Pop Culture, Fatphobia, and Social Change” by Mekdela

Mekdela’s book “Plus-Size” delves into the themes of desirability, body positivity, and fatphobia in modern society through her personal experiences and social commentary.

An Introduction To The Themes In Plus-Size: A Memoir of Pop Culture, Fatphobia, and Social Change.

We’ve all heard it before: the warnings and cautionary advice were given to women and girls to prevent them from ending up alone.

• “Don’t become too successful; you will intimidate men and end up alone.”
• “Don’t eat that; you’ll become too big and end up alone.”
• “Don’t insert activity here; men don’t like that, and you’ll end up alone.”

Our culture drills fear into women and girls from a young age: if you don’t behave a certain way, you will scare men off and end up alone. These scare tactics, intimidation, and fear are used to control women, keep us in line, and encourage us to shrink ourselves for the benefit of men. For example, women are taught to be smaller than men shorter than men, make less money, be less accomplished, etc. The list of advice is endless. 

One of the themes of my book, “Plus-Size: A Memoir of Pop Culture, Fatphobia, and Social Change,” is desirability politics and how my identity as a plus-size Black woman translated to me being treated undesirably growing up – and my feeling undesirable as a result. In my adolescence, I was obsessed with courting male attention. I now know that this was not of my own volition but due to our society’s conditioning of women and girls to seek out and place their value in male validation. See Emily Ratajkowski’s novel, “My Body.”

My Experience With Being Considered “Undesirable”

Although I had already learned to love my plus-size body and had confidence in my personality, intelligence, and skills, I still had low self-esteem because of the lack of male validation. This presented a significant hit to my mental health. At 18, I was terrified of ending up alone and convinced this was my fate. Unfortunately, my experiences confirmed this theory as I navigated dating in thin-obsessed California’s dating scene (NorCal and SoCal). My deepest fears were coming true: was I undesirable to men? If so, what did that say about me? 

I remember an anecdote from a formerly plus-size girl I went to school with. She said that she used to cry herself to sleep every night, thinking that no one would ever love her. This echoes a close friend’s sentiments that women would say at his A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings.

“I’m so fat and ugly, and no one will ever want me.” I am glad that I found my way out of that headspace, but as Gabrielle Union wrote:

“You can’t self-esteem yourself out of how people treat you.”

Gabrielle Union

Unfortunately, discrimination against marginalized groups continues to be rife in U.S. society. For instance, plus-size women like myself continue to face discrimination in healthcare, employment, the clothing industry, and more. And if you have other marginalized identities – like being a Black woman – the discrimination is even worse.

This lower social status makes it difficult for us to access society, including socially, resulting in social exclusion. Many plus-size women experience being hidden or kept a secret by men who are sexually attracted to them but are afraid of being seen with them in public. This state of affairs made me want male validation even more – when you are taught that you can’t have something, sometimes it makes you want it even more.

I tried to beat the odds and not become a statistic so severely. Gratefully, in college and around this time, I discovered feminism. It cemented my feminist values, including that women determine their value and don’t need to depend on men or male validation. Hallelujah – I didn’t know it then but had been saved. 

I have seen the negative effects of the pursuit of male validation on women coded as desirable just as much as I’ve seen on women coded as undesirable. For women seen as desirable (often thin, able-bodied, white or light-skinned, etc.), the pursuit of male validation consumed them. They would only value themselves based on what men thought of them or their looks. As a result, they only cared about their looks.

Naturally, this resulted in stunted intellectual and emotional growth and maturity. So, you can see how the patriarchy ensnares women no matter what. While I fretted about my lack of male validation, I saw conventionally attractive friends engage in risky behaviors to please men and boost their self-esteem.

Why Did I Publish This Book?

In my book Plus-Size: A Memoir of Pop Culture, Fatphobia, and Social Change, I wrote that the pandemic was the first time I had been alone with myself long enough to reflect on my past and current selves, learn from past mistakes and, most importantly, learn to love being alone! I have always been an introvert, but people have always surrounded me. I never thought I could learn to love being alone in a million years, but I did.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my bad days or moments. Even though I know better, it is hard to completely undo the social conditioning from birth that our society instills in women and girls: our sole mission in life is to find a man and get married. 

There are more single people now than ever before. According to the 2010 U.S. Census, there were more single women than married women for the first time in U.S. history. Accordingly, social attitudes about singles are slowly becoming more positive. Hopefully, this means no more “spinster” and “crazy cat lady” labels or stigma. Meanwhile, single men are likelier to be seen as coveted “bachelors.” This is what I mean when I say that it is the patriarchy and sexism behind the way society explicitly treats single women. We can create a more accepting society that embraces single people socially and through supportive public policies.

I don’t know what my future holds—whether I will fall in love with a man and get married or if that marriage will last. But I no longer allow the fear of being alone to dictate my life or control me. Of course, it is a work in progress—there will always be the fear of the unknown. But we conquer that fear by committing to living in the present and enjoying our lives.